the world is spinning but all i see is you (Chad)

-chad
first off.i just want to get clear and in the open.me and kali started talkin after me and you broke up.i didnt break up with you for another girl.however lets not waste time on that.
we are dating again.so now we can both get some sleep.some good sleep too.like the kind when we were kids playing in the dirt all day and our parents try make us take a bath (but we dont want to bc that whole day we were worriors to protect the king,and worriors do not take baths bc being dirty means you killed an army) but we never make it past turning on the water to fill the tub and our towel.in which the water turns into sleeping music and the towel a pillow and the rug on the floor in front of the bath tub, well thats our bed. that kind of sleep.with no cares at all.and we never dream of breakups.only fighting a drogon, or for you, marrying prince charming.and singing with him.bc thats how you know you love each other.right right..?okay well at least that what the movie said that we watched together.enchanted i belive it was.i dont know what the world will think of us.what your friends will say.your teachers.(im sure they say oh dont take him back...but i could be wrong they could actually be happy for you)i dont know what your parents think.but i KNOW without a doubt i love you amanda.i know you love me back.you said you convinced yourself that i didnt love you anymore,that i wasnt coming back to you, that we were,forever,over.but im going to say thats a lie.you may have thought you convinced yourself...but think back.look me in the eyes.tell me you honestly thought i was gone.forever.we were done.i know you felt it still.my love for you. i found out that i couldnt live without you.i always said it.always thought it.but untill the past two weeks i never truely knew it for a fact.i found out.nobody could fill your spot.cliche i know i know.but who cares??i dont care what anyone thinks anymore.i just care what your thoughts are.you`ll see.we are,i feel, already better than before.itll stay that way.we`ll be the best.as long as i have you i have everything.i found that out.its not that I needed to get closer to God. its that WE needed to.its not about me anymore.its about us.i just want you to be happy.so lets smile.run play.swing.slide.race.lets laugh.like when we were kids.but lets not pretend to be kids.lets just be us.average 17 year olds playing in the dirt.pretending we are king and queen.lets love.

your the best thing thats ever happened to me.
i love you angel


chadley
embrace forever

Oh, the adventures of a cellular device.

I know that seems little kid-girlish, but I'm going to copy down about thirty saved messages off my cellular device so that I will have more space for messgaes. All of the following is from Chad Evans:

1You're beautiful. You are the angel of my nightmares. You're the beat of my heart. the air in my lungs. You make me, me....Maybe I should tell you how when you are gone I am lost in space so please come back so my feet can touch solid ground Because you are my world. my everything.

2You save me. in every way that a person can be saved. Anything you ask, I owe it to you. Goodnight my sweetheart. I love you. Dream of me (chad<3mandy)

3Amanda, promise me you'll stay with me forever. I can't make it without you. I couldn't live without you. NO matter what happens, promise you'll stay.

4Just sit there and listen to. my heart as it beats like wild for you. tell me everything you see. tell me how you feel with me. Am I everything that you seek? On the mountains highest peek. is this all you dreamed up in your head? I protect you by your bed. so just lay there,without a fear. without a care.because I am here.

5I'm tired of you making me mad when I could be happy. I mean, you do make me very happy but sometimes you just..but okay.(This was saved for certain mental purposes)

6(i hope you KNOW I love you and you really honestly don't ever have to ask) yes, true love. Love the never ends. never fades. never leaves your side. always here for you.

7Baby I love you. Everything is okay. Just rest your head on my chest. Everything's fine now.

8You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I hope you're happy where your at in life. You make me so happy. I'm so lucky. Ah, I'm lucky. I love you forever.

9It breaks my heart.just to know you're apart. I'll fight to be with you. bleed out the blue. I'll lose every color I have. I'll sty black and white to find you every day and night. See me in your thoughts. don't worry I'm already caught. Everywhere you go, I go. After all, you are my rainbow. So I'll stay without color as long as you're my lover. (Next time you see me, smile a lot. I like your smile. P.S. I love you.)

10Baby I love you. Forever will I love you. I'll take care of us. I promise. Gosh, I love you. My beautiful angel.

11I love you my princess. YOU and only you. Just you. Not for your body or for your beauty. I love you for you. I'll do anything for you.

12I love you I love you. trust me. believe me. Because I trust you. I believe you. Let me be fully your and you fully mine. Let's not argue. Let's love.

13Ching. Kiing. Sing ring. (that's ancient greekbrue.)

14Amanda panda. You're the best. above the rest. so come love me. please please hurryee. I love love you. You're my all three wishes come true.

15Okay, so. Once upon a time there was a moo cow. and she lived in the field. She kept to herself and never bothered anyone. And lived a pretty average life. But there was a special dy. A day that she'll remember for all eternity. She witnessed a murde. Her cousin cow whom she loved. was grazing around eating grass. When on this day a black bird flew by and dropped a sharp stick arrow on the cow. It got the cow right in the introsusing. (that's the main nerve system on a cow). The cow was without nervous system. So he couldn't move. He fell into a mud puddle an drowned. When the bird's boss found out about the witness he sent out the hit man once more. The bird flew in fast and low. He dropped the stick but the cow saw it coming and moved and grabbed the stick with its tall and threw it back and the bird and it went through the bird's wing. The bird fell. The cow tortured the bird til' it told who it worked for. Then the cow killed the bird. And killed the pig, who was the boss.

16Amanda I love you. With the utmost love.

17You're the MOST beautiful. Amanda you were honestly truely so beautiful tonight. Like so beautiful tonight. Like so many times I just stared at you. In amazement that you're my girlfriend.

18You're so beautiful. You looked so good tonight. I can't get over how amazingly ravishing you looked.

19Sleep wonderful. Know I'm at your side. Holding you. Protecting you. Loving you.

20I'll do anything in the world for you. Whenever you may need me I'll be there. I'm not just saying that. That is true. I love you so much. More than everything I could imagine. I love you more than anything. I hope you know by being wiht me everyday I care about you. I hope you can see it. Through something so small as to me getting your drinks and foods or something so big as to having sex. Amanda I love you more than I ever thought it was possible. and my love gets stronger everyday for you. I'd be completely lost without you. You're my everything. I truely mean that. Everything I do has a thought of you in it. 1437.

21I hope you have a wonderful day. You're so amazing. I love you so stinking much. You are so beautiful. I'm lucky. Man, I'm so lucky. Thank you for being myamanda.


Pretty much he loves me and he thinks that he is the luckiest guy alive. How could I blame him?

I need Chad with me, now. That'd be pretty stinking fantastic. The end.

An undoubtable doubtfulness.

[sigh]
I feel so over whelmed and yet I'm not over thinking it. I'm not mad. I'm not sad. I'm not curious. I'm experiencing an absolute emotionless wind, whipping over my skin. I don't know what to believe. I don't like feeling confused or inadequate. What am I? A toy? A joke? Mrs. Buckhaults said to "not present a problem unless you also show a solution." I'm trying to not even show my problems to people. I don't want to vent. I don't want to talk about what upsets me. I don't want to tell anyone anything. I just want it all to go away. I want to embrace things. I want to stop being paranoid. I want to stop wishing that I knew the answers. I want to just stop. Like a big red sign shinning in front of a speeding truck.
I am kind of letting it out at the moment. Bare with me until I regain myself. I don't know much of what it is that I'm looking for now. To be quite frank, without Chad at school it's very hard to stay focused or even want to do anything in class. I only did it to be an example to him. I don't feel like being responsible. I'm a baby, I realize.

Where does "dead as a door knob" come from? How is a door knob dead? It's never alive in the first place? OR.."there's two ways to skin a cat." I mean, why would you want to even preform such a vile thing? I cannot fathom most expressions. Well, Chad introduced me to an interesting song by Shawn McDonald called ALL I NEED. Let's drive this needing thing to the wall, shall we?

Don't risk anything that you can not afford to lose.

"I'm speechless,over the edge. I'm just breathless, I never thought that I would catch this love bug.I'm Hopeless, head over heels, in the moment."



There's something alluring in the fact that your actions may lose or gain something. The sense that whatever you do will lead you to two different paths. Even just a simple smile can change your life, or someone else's.

(chad)

im in computer class, dreadfully, once more.its friday though.so that ultimately means i get to hang out with you tomorrow. thats always always greatly done. that stinks about your english test. i mean you shouldve studied he he. im kidding. you always tell me i need to study but really really! you need to study. yeah yeah. i just said it. what ya going to do?hehe. im pretty starving!my tummy kinda hurts, i think bc i am hungry. im a growing boy. i neEd fooD.i hope tomorrow goes good. ill ask my mom right when i text her after school to see if you can hang out. i probably shouldve already asked. but yes yes. the tv is on. its talking about how christopher coloumbus wasnt even the one who figured out the earth is round AND he didnt even discover the new land. that crazyness. just like mr patrick was talking about how the darwin thing wasnt even talking about we came from apes yet thats what the history books say. that is such dump.im going to try and go to sleep at least before eleven tonight. i need some body rest. not just the laying on the couch kind. however i am looking forward to tomorrow. kinda nervous though. mainly from people coming to watch haha. you know how it is. the life of a hero. okay. i just thought of somthing. you have to think of somthing. it cant be all little either. like you like bird sounds. you have to think of somthing that i dont know about you. ill do the same. think about it and we`ll set a time and tell each other. its going to be hard bc i cant think of anything you dont know about me ha. one two you better get your shoe three four you want some more five six do your tricks seven eight your so great. he he. (i just sang that to you) well i hope it made you smile bc i like your smile. i do also hope your days have been good. i know there have been some down (my fault) but i hope overal. your are a happy bug. ha. hmmmmmm does my outfit look funny.? i just realized how bad i dont match or anything whatsoever haha. i have red football workout shorts,and a blue grey (i guess thats the color) shirt. and flip flops. oh yeah. what can i say. im classy like a penguin.(i forgot how to spell that one) you HAVE to figure out about that church trip with my church. i so want you to go.!its september the 19 through the 21 i think. i know its the third week in september. you need need to come. but if you cant or if you would honetsly just feel weird about going or you just dont wanna go. or your scared to ask. its all gravy. haha. bc i know how you like gravy. yum yum to you. YUCK yUck to me. i really do wish i like the weird foods you liked. i mean then we could eat it together. but i am sorry. i just dont like the nasty s of the food world. i like it simple. french fries. oh yeah!haha. do you know anyone who doesnt like french fries? i dont. do people in china have french fries? we could go over there and sell them. we make millons! ha

but i love you much. im about to sleep. its 10:02. so i migh get back on if i cant sleep and write you some more. its like im over in the war and cant see you for two years and we have to write each other. ha. only youve only wrote back once.?hmmmm maybe you found someone esle!?haha. well i love LOVE you. your the best.

i wanna be your last first kiss

i wanna be your first last kiss PLEASE.. ha

1437

your my angel. i love you

{Chad}

you're so beautiful.
i love you princess.

Can life get any better than this; I submit that it can not!

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being 'in love' which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." - Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

What a brilliant man he is; to say that love is more than just a simple action, a feeling that lasts a while. In this sturdy quote he demonstrates that love is more complex than we even take notice for; and (the big and) you can not fall out of love. Either you are, or you weren't. I'm digging that statement. Love is something much greater than people. Perhaps that is why no one can quite grasp God's emotions towards us, humans? They can not grasp love for one another, so how must they, too, obsess over love that is beyond the expectations of modern times. Love must be sincere (Romans 12).

shake your bum jiggle {chad}

i hope everything from yesterday is pretty much worked out.other than why not tell me you have been overthinking. or why not tell me your life has been miserable. you can write it in a blog for the world to see, but you cant tell me??and i asked why you started crying saturday. you said no reason. but if youd rather keep it to yourself i wont say anything about it. other than right now obviously. but i hope you did good on that test.im thinking you will do good bc you always say your not going to do good and you do. you are smart. so you do good on everything. your just lucky like that i guess.im super hungry. the bell rings in three little minutes. i dont know if i can last though ha. my tummy is doing somthing a little differint than normal but it happens to the best. i hope your tummy is feeling better. im pretty ready for saturday. but sorry so short. i love you sugar muffin.



1437




Rebuddle:
Chad, I didn't know why I cried. I knew that I was over thinking,but I wasn't sure what about. I was just so overwhelmed by your hug. It felt so nice to just lie there with you and not worry about anything whatsoever for the first time. I knew if I tried explaining than I would (first off) ruin the peace and beauty of that moment for me. and (second) not know what to say or where to begin; it was hopeless. I know that you know I'm constantly worrying all the aching time, it's who I am. I won't stop until whatever I'm worried about is completely passed over. That hasn't happened yet too often. However, I haven't been completely miserable. I've just simply been very much confused. (The world doesn't see my blog so I don't mind what I write; it's kind of like my diary). . Yeah. Yes. I'm just not sure about a lot of things right now. I don't want to say nothing concerning you, because most everything that I'm worried about is about you. Only because everything in my life has something to do with. I'm just not positive where I am at with the whole understanding process. I love you, but I do not know how to secure that love with a healthy foundation and whatnot. It's time that I grew up, it is. I didn't do too hot on that test, but I didn't do too cold either. It's mutual. and.. I'm exhausted. Thus, goodbye. -AE.

i noticed you noticing me noticing you {chad}

well im back in computer class.doing nothing. but i figure since i have football after school then go to boxing and we dont talk till eight thirtyish, i could leave you somthing most days to read. i hope your day is going pretty stinkin ravishing. i wrote you a long letter today too.i know how you like love letters ha. and i know how you like to shake your bum bum. like a milk shake. a strawberry milk shake. cause thats my most favorite. well its friday.which overal means we get to hang out tomorrow. thats always a party with cake and ice cream bc thats a favorite too haha. so as you can tell i am hungry. ready for lunch certainly. and and and we get to eat the lunch you made for us today. im excited about that. i think every friday we should start bringing our own lunch. thatd be great.you looked very good today.your really going to need to come with my church to the house boat. we would be able to hang out alot. obviously youd sleep in another house than i would but that still be very fun. you need to talk to your parents about it or something. bc i would really like that. and even if i couldnt go and you still wanted to go thatd be cool. but i know we would leave on a friday and come back sunday. i have a football game and so does dj so we would come later friday night. maybe just maybe my mom will just let me drive. and take her car bc its very good on gas. but yes i hope that works out. we should ride dirt bikes tomorrow. i hope cc doesnt go any more crazy on you aoubt not coming. haha she definitely acted weird about you not coming tomorrow. but if you do have to go then its no problem. ill come get you or if you want me to come hang out bc its boring ill come hang out.but i do hope you dont have to do that altogether. that would be best. certainly. hmmmmmmm i was suppose to remind you to not forget to do somthing ha.? i dont remember i just remember you telling me to not let you forget and i said amanda dont forget ............ but i dont remember what it was. well i hope you remembered or it you forgot i hope it wasnt important. no life or death ha. so we can work on my poster tomorrow. that will or should be fun. maybe. i hope you like reading this bc its so long. i hope it doesnt bore you bc im going to be honest. if i was you i definitely would not read this much. no no nope. no way. i just dont want you to miss me or be lonely or anything while i am at football or boxing. i dont like you being lonely and all. i wonder what you are doing right now. oh oh we have to have to take pictures and get them developed tomorrow. do not forget.!or ill ground you.... hahahaha.i was thinking about kids and all. your not going to spank them or ground them. they are going to hate me and think im evil. bc you dont do anything bad to them ha. ha.
so i mean. i just wanne say your the bestest. your amazing. you are the radest ever. im serious. i love you....
one time i went to this forrest when i was in the luithean war.(that was the most violent war ever hehe) and i was being chased by 342175-4357--zillion men. and you know i was killing them off one by one. serious. amanda dont laugh im not kidding. this really happened im serious.!!!!and my dad (the president)was telling the american army to come in after me. well i called him and said nope. dad. i can handle this. and i killed them all. i never told you about that. if you wanne know how i killed them then just ask in person (its tooooo violent to tell over computer)i just didnt want you to worry so i never told you. really .

well you are the best ever. my manda bear. dont miss me today. its all fun and games until someone gets hurt.he he. i love you i love you. i like you. i love you. i love you.


p.s.iloveyou

you will never grow old to me{chad}

hello amanda, its chad(mr moon)hehe.im in computer class obviously thinking of your beauty.ive come to the conclusion that ill never be able to go a hour with out thinking of how wonderful you are.i mean lets face this fact, your the best thing thats ever happened to me.well sorry so short. i love you i love you. your the bestest.
chadley

In a world of chaos, there will be a hero.

As far as today went, I'm basically well balanced. I've asked myself recently: what is true balance? Is "balance" enough? What are your boundaries? Then, finally, I simply told myself that I am pleased. Shockingly, I haven't been too loopy over Mr.Moon's busy bee of a schedule. He does football, goes straight to boxing, gets home, has a quick dinner, has homework to do, completes house-chores. He has a full plate of items! Insipidly, I've been telling him to be responsible, when I should be praising him for the responsibility that he has chosen to take on. All I need now to do is encourage the kiddo. Will he prevail?
Moreover, I've been considering getting a job. Not only would it help me keep up with Mr.Moon's business and not over-think about his whereabouts; it will stock me with some cash flow for a well-needed vehicle. Hooray for cunning brainstorms. Still so, I think that I would regret gaining a job when the weekends arrive. Will I not see Mr.Moon's boxing matches? How will I show my support? Will I be able to take the separation? Will I ever be off? Must I work weekends? Must I work on Sundays? I'm not so sure that I'm up for all those answers just yet. Yet again, I know that I am consistently yearning to hear that vroom noise of my own. An object to get me from point A to B. The arrogance of society to make me get a job to deserve a car! psst. Pity on me. However, I would be more advantaged than many. I should be grateful. I just detain the fact that I may not be able to support my Mr.Moon on his little achievements. What if he does well and I am not present to share the victory; controversially, what if he fails miserably and I am not present to mourn with him. What if he needs me? What if this tears us apart? I realize, I am dramatic. I worry over the stress levels of fret. It is better to think than to overlook and miss? It is better to know what may happen than a bad break whim around and ruin you,for you have no plan. I,somehow, think that if a worry..I will be prepared. I blame my mistakes on that very flaw of mine. I over thought to the point where I drove myself to a complete incomprehension of right vs wrong. I am my own to blame. (Don't treat me I'm to blame.) I wouldn't wrong my doing too much any longer though. It's made me the bright, thoughtful, careful lady that I've sprouted into being. I'm not any way,shape,or form ashamed of who I am on this day. I am a loyal, trustworthy daughter, I am pursuing God at a greater ignition, I am secure plus confident, I am permanently taken in romance, I am pleased.

Oh, sweet loveliness. Mr.Moon looked at me, very closely today in humanities (we happen to sit by each other now. score!) His eyes were of Delicious illusion. It was as if I was captured by fairies and taken into a candy land of pleasure and delight. Ah, what a love. What a snazzy joy! I would not mind spending eternal bliss in such a place as Mr.Moon's eyes. I wouldn't mind that at all. Honor would belong to my possession. Now that I mention that, I miss him. And I wish he was able to chat. I jinx myself by saying I was doing A-Okay with that whole "busyness". Besides school, we rarely are capable of full on conversation. Can I just say, it's a pure shame? (hm,how can shame be pure?) Furthermore, I'm struck by the compulsion that I need a deep glass of water. I shall fetch it. And gulp in peace. Farewell, as the classy era did speak, farewell.

Recap before Rehab

You know the feeling you get when you try to stick a thread through a tiny needle hole? The frustration you feel when your attempt is so intense, and yet it just does not seem like the odds are on your faithful side? Pinpoints me. Although, I do so swear that I must be the best thing that has ever happened to Mr.Moon. If it were not so, he would not say it. Batmitten was the only stress reliever that I could discover today.

I don't like not having a job and being broke, depending on my folks for all ends. It is not my idea of a great time. I think I need to reevaluate my life and my actions. Mr.Moon was explaining it to me how Chandan's girlfriend rarely ever texts him or spends much time with him.T he strange thing is, they can spend everyday with each other and even spend the night. Mr.Moon was distrout from this fact, but I found it to be a sign of her independence. He still shot questions towards her alliby: was she running from the sacrifice of a deep relationship? Was she just trying to balance out time for her friends and Chandan? Is she taking the "whenever we want, we can hang out" for granted? Does she just think that they will be together always so she just is not worried about spending every waking moment with him or talking to him? Does she think she'll get tired or bored with him if she does? Is she already bored with it?... Is what I'm doing healthy or is what Gabby doing healthy? Oh, the things we will never know for certain. Even if Gabby's stratagey is healthier, Mr.Moon would refuse to cooperate with that. Ever.
Oh golly, Mr.Moon does not understand how and why I do not want to be married right out of highschool when we are eight-teen. He doesn't understand how we wouldn't be able to support each other just yet. We won't know how to balance finances, and I know that it would be selfish if we got married so soon. This way, my family will be happy and I can grow. I want us to be satisfied when we are married. He doesn't see me when I am all stressed out. Sure, we talk on the phone or text while I am a worry wart, but if we get married and money problems come up, I won't know what to do and I will be a atrocious wife. I just want to grow up. learn life. learn how adults should be, then *when I am ready* be wed to my Mr.Moon. We can be engaged however long. I am not going to date anyone else or leave him. I am not doing it because I think we won't last, I know we will. I am not going to look for anyone else. I just need to know I can balance myself. Yes, I need to be an adult. I'm not ready to rush into business. I'm a bit afraid of after school is all over. Will I be someone? It's something I often worry over. Things don't just happen, one must make them happen.

1437

After beasting on dirtbikes, sporting my yellow dress, playing it up at the arcade for a purple poodle (failure), only one thing on the agenda was left to master today: the mall for the firework show. We scurried to sit in the exact spot we had the previous year: dancing in the rain, putting hearts around the pink fireworks, holding hands in the shadows, falling in love. Brittney and Cody were also in place, which is lovely since we had originally been in that position last year thanks to those two sweethearts. As we rode down New Augusta Road, I knew that the day would end and Mr.Moon would be departed from me. I wrapped my arms around his waist, promising myself I wouldn't let him go. I deeply, truly, madly like him. I deeply, truly madly love him.
" Embrace forever, Embrace it."