You walk through the door, all eyes on you. You feel your hands sweating, your heart is pumping like a man in a gym. You can barely hold anything in your palms. It's almost as if you are becoming weightless. You are the main attraction, your grace is intricate. There is nothing that could distract the crowd from your steps. The air smells of spring-lilies and duckies. You've never been more beautiful, you've never seen such beauty yourself. You look ahead, and no matter the eyes you catch-you are captivated by one destination-your groom. A moment like this, oh how you've waited. Oh, how there is just one thing on your mind, forever-him.
Two days ago, I had full confidence that Chad was who I was going to marry. I knew, for a fact, that he was everything I wanted. I didn't have a doubt that he would be mine again, perhaps not now-but someday. Yesterday, I told him this. I explored my mind. I explained that I wanted to work together-amount things for God in a team-be one, as two. He ventured a different subject and stumbled in the wary words that he would call me that night and tell me his own wants and goals. He didn't. We were both rather sleepy, so I accepted that. This morning came along and I wanted to text an immensely long message explaining that I wanted to love him and he was pushing me away (it seems like people who get scared of love are good at pushing love away). I was once in those shoes, tying those same shoe strings. Chad was the one who laced them up in a different fashion. Chad was the one that convinced me love was real. Why would he spend so many hours trying to woe me, so many days persuading me that he wanted to be betrothed to me, just to leave. "I will never leave you, Amanda-I promise." Those words, they are so simple, so easy to wrap around. So very, very small... to someone else. To me, those words are my security for happiness. Did God only give Chad to me to help me grow? Did God only supply me with Chad so that I could mature? Did Chad only give me God to help me realize my purpose?I know that God knows exactly what I need and exactly where I'm going. I trust him, I'm not worried. I'm just a little scared and not willing. Once I let myself be willing to accept anything-I know that I will be installed with pure joy. I need joy. I thrive on joy.
It's one of those rainy days where you just would be delighted to slumber.
I wonder if it's raining in Heidelberg? I wonder if Chad is exhausted? I wonder if he is having a dandy day? I wonder if he's talking to his friends, or thinking about what I'm thinking about? I wonder if he's praying-reading? I wonder if he is happy?
Sometimes, you just aren't going to know. And so I do not.
