When asked to tell about myself, these are the results:
1. I've never kissed a girl, but I like that song a lot.
2. Mushrooms + Spinach = favorite pizza topping.
3. This summer was the first occasion that I ever ate sweet potatoes or toast.
4. I bruise easily.
5. An exceptional vocabulary is my only preferrence with fellows.
6. Love is a question of truism to me.
7. I would gag if someone gave me roses.
8. I want to own every type of pearl jewelry ever made.
9. I am going to adopt at least two kiddos eventually.
10. My last name is Portuguese.
11. I will purchase every Disney movie EVER created. It's a must-have.
12. Orange is a gaudy color. Granted, no rainbow is complete without it.
13. Drinking alcohol has never been something I craved to do.
14. Salt Water Fish > Usual Gold Fish.
15. The Peace Corps. laden my immediate future.
16. My first cat was named Peanut: because it was gray like an elephant.
17. Pet Peeve of mine: "a" before a vowel instead of "an."
18. Jokes--corny ones--and puns are quite puny; I use them as often as apropos.
19. I WILL be an English teacher AND work WITH Catherine Woodyard.
20. I prefer pens, not pencils.
21. Never will I dress in the norm style of attire.
22. Politics intrigue me.
23. I air-type words as people converse with me.
24. I have about 20 pairs of shoes that I've never worn before because nothing that I own matches with them.
25. Ya'll will never be in my vocabulary.
26.I carry chalk in my purse.
27.I wish I were Alice from Alice in Wonderland.
28.I want to visit Japan and,thus, speak Japanese.
29.I've never been hunting.
30.Please, just call me Captain Grammar.
31.I am ready for, frightened of, an actual relationship.
32.I tried being a vegetarian for a year---fail.
33.I have had the same cellular device number since seventh grade.
34.I have eaten a pig's tail before.
35.Bobby Pins = necessity.
36. Jones Soda is the only type of carbonated beverage that I ingest.
37.Jogging = best form of exercise.
38.I envy people who are able to have eating disorders.
39.My sister = most important person in my life.
40.I want to learn how to play piano and guitar well. Soon.
41.I belong in the 1950's.
42.I'm a little OCD.
43.I collect pennies.
44.GINGER BABIES = obsession.
45.I enjoy watching soccer, guys playing soccer (fo'sho).
46.Catherine Woodyard understands me more than my Caddie, my kitten.
47.I believe in Karma.
48.I only started to acquire a craving for coffee because I believed it'd make me a more sophisticated reader; I was correct.
49.I haven't cried in a long time.
50.Gluttony is a sin, Jesus will have to forgive me.
Friday, December 25, 2009
I've seen more spine in a jelly fish.
"Do fish get fried when lightning strikes the ocean?"
Really fish do get fried if they happen to be in the area of the strike, but because the ocean is vast and lightning is dispersed into the water for only a very short distance, most fish are only stunned. If lightning was able to travel in water and not be dispersed would you want to go to the beach?
Contrary to what some people believe, salt water is a GOOD conductor of electricity! Anything containing ions is a good conductor of electricity. Pure water (meaning ONLY hydrogen and oxygen molecules) is a poor conductor. The reason salt water is a good conductor is due to the charged ions from the salt (Na+ and Cl- ions). You may be thinking "then why can I be electrocuted at home if we don't have salt water?" Well it's because your home water isn't exactly pure - there are several other ions and minerals in it. (Free ions means free electrons are available to flow and create a current in water)
They do. Every year around 7000-10000 lightnings strike the sea around the world and and when this happens most of Earth's marine life dies. Luckily fish are are fond of sexual intercourse and the sea life grows to its peak numbers around summertime.
Ask anyone who has been shocked and they will tell you that salt water is a very good conductor since our bodies are mostly salt water; great conductor. Salt water fish/wildlife do not just make up for their loss by having a reproductive free for all, it takes years to replace damage to any part of a reef system. Most Lightning strikes happen in open water where there is almost no damage the the ecosystem and whatever fish is hit is not fried but boiled.
There are conductors, semi-conductors and insulators in this world. While fresh water is a good conductor due to the impurities in it, salt water is only a semi-conductor and the lightning dissipates faster than it does in fresh water. But even in fresh water the lightning only travels so far before it too will dissipate.
Most people think that water is a conductor and that that is why it causes people to die from electrical shock when exposed to it. This is untrue.
My answer is two fold. First of all pure water is an insulator. When it is mixed with impurities those impurities are actually the conductors, not the water. Second electricity always takes the path of least resistance (It will travel through the material that is most conductive).
If your in a pool of water and the lightning strikes most of the charge won't travel through the water, because it is an insulator. It will travel through you the conductor. You are the path of least resistance (especially if your touching the bottom of the pool or the side of it). That is why people are killed in a pool from lightning strikes. Most of the people that survive such strikes were probably floating in the water, not touching anything else but the water (thus not completing a circuit).
I would suggest that most fish in the ocean do not get killed for this reason. Salt water is a very good conductor and as such the salt water pulls the path of the electricity from the lightning bolt around the fish, not through it. I would add this as another reason among the others.
When someone is in a bath tub and an electrical item is drop in and that someone is electrocuted is because the the path of least resistance is through touching the bottom and sides of the tub. The water is mostly insulated from the current so it travels almost entirely through the human body.
Really fish do get fried if they happen to be in the area of the strike, but because the ocean is vast and lightning is dispersed into the water for only a very short distance, most fish are only stunned. If lightning was able to travel in water and not be dispersed would you want to go to the beach?
Contrary to what some people believe, salt water is a GOOD conductor of electricity! Anything containing ions is a good conductor of electricity. Pure water (meaning ONLY hydrogen and oxygen molecules) is a poor conductor. The reason salt water is a good conductor is due to the charged ions from the salt (Na+ and Cl- ions). You may be thinking "then why can I be electrocuted at home if we don't have salt water?" Well it's because your home water isn't exactly pure - there are several other ions and minerals in it. (Free ions means free electrons are available to flow and create a current in water)
They do. Every year around 7000-10000 lightnings strike the sea around the world and and when this happens most of Earth's marine life dies. Luckily fish are are fond of sexual intercourse and the sea life grows to its peak numbers around summertime.
Ask anyone who has been shocked and they will tell you that salt water is a very good conductor since our bodies are mostly salt water; great conductor. Salt water fish/wildlife do not just make up for their loss by having a reproductive free for all, it takes years to replace damage to any part of a reef system. Most Lightning strikes happen in open water where there is almost no damage the the ecosystem and whatever fish is hit is not fried but boiled.
There are conductors, semi-conductors and insulators in this world. While fresh water is a good conductor due to the impurities in it, salt water is only a semi-conductor and the lightning dissipates faster than it does in fresh water. But even in fresh water the lightning only travels so far before it too will dissipate.
Most people think that water is a conductor and that that is why it causes people to die from electrical shock when exposed to it. This is untrue.
My answer is two fold. First of all pure water is an insulator. When it is mixed with impurities those impurities are actually the conductors, not the water. Second electricity always takes the path of least resistance (It will travel through the material that is most conductive).
If your in a pool of water and the lightning strikes most of the charge won't travel through the water, because it is an insulator. It will travel through you the conductor. You are the path of least resistance (especially if your touching the bottom of the pool or the side of it). That is why people are killed in a pool from lightning strikes. Most of the people that survive such strikes were probably floating in the water, not touching anything else but the water (thus not completing a circuit).
I would suggest that most fish in the ocean do not get killed for this reason. Salt water is a very good conductor and as such the salt water pulls the path of the electricity from the lightning bolt around the fish, not through it. I would add this as another reason among the others.
When someone is in a bath tub and an electrical item is drop in and that someone is electrocuted is because the the path of least resistance is through touching the bottom and sides of the tub. The water is mostly insulated from the current so it travels almost entirely through the human body.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
"If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?"
A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you. Oh, how the seasons change. What once was green, now is harvest galore. What once was a pathway to love is now just a pothole in the street. Jordan Hamilton is shady like a palm tree. That book sure was a short, disappointing one. I will not be suggesting it to pals.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
May God Save The Queen.
Drip, Drop. Drip, Drop. Today is a rainy one: dark and damp.
I was jamming to some Christmas carols and decorating this afternoon as I sprung alive in a splendid mood. The soccer game was cancelled, thus I had more time to focus on college sort of things. Such as applications! UM (Ole Miss) and JCJC (Jones County Junior College) to be specific. I think as long as money finds me, I'll find my way to college. I feel as though all matters shall pan out nicely. Last year, I was a fret over most all things. This year? Anxiety is rare (like Mr.Clean with hair).
Oh, Canada. Our home and native land.
I was jamming to some Christmas carols and decorating this afternoon as I sprung alive in a splendid mood. The soccer game was cancelled, thus I had more time to focus on college sort of things. Such as applications! UM (Ole Miss) and JCJC (Jones County Junior College) to be specific. I think as long as money finds me, I'll find my way to college. I feel as though all matters shall pan out nicely. Last year, I was a fret over most all things. This year? Anxiety is rare (like Mr.Clean with hair).
Oh, Canada. Our home and native land.
Monday, November 30, 2009
"Everybody's nuts, some of us just see it more clearly."-Elvis.
The soft, rainbow colors had sunken under the horizon and with its exit had come ravishing dots of stars scattered from west to east in the sky. I had never experienced such an immaculate appetite for cotton candy. The wind nipped at my ears as I nuzzled my soon to be Popsicle fingers into my blanket. I found it quite ironic how my blanket was the exact shade of green as that smooth, damp grass. It was almost as though they meshed, lying together: blanket and blade. Giving into the urge to be indoors and away from the crisp winter air, my feet made footprints into the earth as I crept across the soccer field, heading towards the street that my tiny, brick house dwelled upon. I would like to call it a home, but I never knew such a place. Home is where the heart is, I’ve heard. Supposedly, my heart was always else where. I gazed at the exhibit of stars once again, before stepping onto the street at last; I was fully aware that once the street and I met, my vision would blur away from that marvelous sky- thank you bright street lights. Blowing a kiss to the heavens, I wondered how epic actually kissing the sky would be. I imagined that it would be something that someone would find rather impossible to forget the passion of- no matter the effort.
How everything was so black at only six p.m. was beyond fathom. I questioned the sky of the mystery. As usual, no response. I believe if ever the sky did answer me, I would have felt even a more intense level of insanity. Reminiscing it all now, to hear the sky’s voice would have been the least of what I had fret about within myself. A cold, empty space filled my chest where my once bubbly heart thudded every night. Mellow dramatic? Probably. Over exaggeration? Probably not. It was that night I felt the revelation that I was concerned with the fact that I didn’t care. What, you may ask, did I not care for? Might you have a rock nearby? Perhaps, just perhaps, a significant other, rising success in schooling, or even friendships flourishing? Those. I cared for nothing of the sort. To be frank, my own being didn’t turn a twitch for me. This cold, captivating night, though, switched on some electric charge that made me want to pursue swimming the arctic channel, golly. “So, I won’t hesitate, no more, no more. It can not wait; I’m yours” stunned me into a frenzy as the song busted through my pocket. My cellular device was ringing its Jordan Hamilton ring tone. I swiftly glided my hand into my pocket and retrieved the noisy piece of technology. One message read, “How are you, Amanda Lee?” The question lingered as though he had asked me how many craters were on the moon. How am I? How am I? Well, Jo, I am not so well. I just realized that I committed a serious felony against my sister, my best friend Catherine and I just together came to the realization that we are nut cases- most likely should be somewhere seeking mental aid, my parents are constantly on the brink of divorce,oh! And I am pretty sure I don't believe in love . . . yeah, that wasn’t going to be said. My brain must have been on autopilot because it glided my fingers over the buttons for a reply, “I’m dandy. How do you do, Jo?” Dirty, disgusting filth of a human, I am. I wouldn’t mind all those lies that had spread like butter over toast to be shared about me nowadays. I deserved it. I needed it. Who is to say that criticism doesn’t help a gal? Kick me while I’m down, why don’t you? KICK ME.
The door handle was nearly iced over as I entered the house to find my family huddled in full view to the television. Television was truly never my cup of tea, neither was family time. Oh, how I’ve changed, the difference inside was unbearably evil. I drug myself to the back room, the last one on the left- my parent’s bedroom. They never used the blasted space. So for my benefit, I conquered it as my own. The cheetah print comforter appeared so vibrant against the mocha brown pillow cases, the lighting so crisp from new light bulbs. The City of Ember came to mind and I instantly was wishing sunshine was beaming through the cream colored curtains instead of the dark, lonely, dim moon that served as a grim excuse of light. I didn’t want the light bulbs to burn out and leave me slave to the hold of the moon. What would I do: if the moon suddenly quit doing as it did; if it may explode or orbit to another galaxy, if the light all in the blink of an eye ball just vanished into a stark other place: how would I survive? I suppose I would never know that I was so alone- not being able to see. Knowing what you don’t see is incredibly impossible.
“Seeing is believing," I once read that in a book.
It is said that God is never seen. However, I commend you that we are his body, the church. His hands, his feet, his words. I believe that’s why it is so important for Christians to show that they are who they claim to be. It proves with actions that God is real. God. That’s exactly who I needed to be discussing the issue with instead of aimlessly chatting with my kitty about how I was baffled with the weather. Honestly, who has conversations about the weather? Old people who have nothing more to make the moment not awkward with- that’s who.
How everything was so black at only six p.m. was beyond fathom. I questioned the sky of the mystery. As usual, no response. I believe if ever the sky did answer me, I would have felt even a more intense level of insanity. Reminiscing it all now, to hear the sky’s voice would have been the least of what I had fret about within myself. A cold, empty space filled my chest where my once bubbly heart thudded every night. Mellow dramatic? Probably. Over exaggeration? Probably not. It was that night I felt the revelation that I was concerned with the fact that I didn’t care. What, you may ask, did I not care for? Might you have a rock nearby? Perhaps, just perhaps, a significant other, rising success in schooling, or even friendships flourishing? Those. I cared for nothing of the sort. To be frank, my own being didn’t turn a twitch for me. This cold, captivating night, though, switched on some electric charge that made me want to pursue swimming the arctic channel, golly. “So, I won’t hesitate, no more, no more. It can not wait; I’m yours” stunned me into a frenzy as the song busted through my pocket. My cellular device was ringing its Jordan Hamilton ring tone. I swiftly glided my hand into my pocket and retrieved the noisy piece of technology. One message read, “How are you, Amanda Lee?” The question lingered as though he had asked me how many craters were on the moon. How am I? How am I? Well, Jo, I am not so well. I just realized that I committed a serious felony against my sister, my best friend Catherine and I just together came to the realization that we are nut cases- most likely should be somewhere seeking mental aid, my parents are constantly on the brink of divorce,oh! And I am pretty sure I don't believe in love . . . yeah, that wasn’t going to be said. My brain must have been on autopilot because it glided my fingers over the buttons for a reply, “I’m dandy. How do you do, Jo?” Dirty, disgusting filth of a human, I am. I wouldn’t mind all those lies that had spread like butter over toast to be shared about me nowadays. I deserved it. I needed it. Who is to say that criticism doesn’t help a gal? Kick me while I’m down, why don’t you? KICK ME.
The door handle was nearly iced over as I entered the house to find my family huddled in full view to the television. Television was truly never my cup of tea, neither was family time. Oh, how I’ve changed, the difference inside was unbearably evil. I drug myself to the back room, the last one on the left- my parent’s bedroom. They never used the blasted space. So for my benefit, I conquered it as my own. The cheetah print comforter appeared so vibrant against the mocha brown pillow cases, the lighting so crisp from new light bulbs. The City of Ember came to mind and I instantly was wishing sunshine was beaming through the cream colored curtains instead of the dark, lonely, dim moon that served as a grim excuse of light. I didn’t want the light bulbs to burn out and leave me slave to the hold of the moon. What would I do: if the moon suddenly quit doing as it did; if it may explode or orbit to another galaxy, if the light all in the blink of an eye ball just vanished into a stark other place: how would I survive? I suppose I would never know that I was so alone- not being able to see. Knowing what you don’t see is incredibly impossible.
“Seeing is believing," I once read that in a book.
It is said that God is never seen. However, I commend you that we are his body, the church. His hands, his feet, his words. I believe that’s why it is so important for Christians to show that they are who they claim to be. It proves with actions that God is real. God. That’s exactly who I needed to be discussing the issue with instead of aimlessly chatting with my kitty about how I was baffled with the weather. Honestly, who has conversations about the weather? Old people who have nothing more to make the moment not awkward with- that’s who.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Hey, I think you're groovie; do you wanna see a movie?
Hannah Montana Movie = muy excellente (pretty sure that excellente isn't Spanish, but I can turn on my "imagination" with that one). I attended it with Catherine Woodyard, Mary Woodyard (her fifth grade sistahh), and Brittany Richardson. As a cliffnote, I never saw Brittany R. and I being pals; that's why you never say never. The movie was initially sold out, so I bought a ticket for another movie and "snuck" in. I've never done that before in my life. It was terribly frightening. I thought that I was for sure getting kicked out of that joint (snazzy). After the nice movie, I ate a hugee baked potato. Potatoes make me bloated, for the record. I think that Catherine and I are going to be veryy close friends. I can't see myself NOT being better friends. She likes Frank Sinatra for chrissakes! If watermelon isn't sweet, I don't know what is. (Where does sugar come from?) Hmm. .Chad text me. He's barely acknowledged me lately. I think his heart is moving on, to bigger and better. Well, maybe not better. (yes, better.)
I don't feel such remorse, though. I like the fact that I've been incorporating myself with Jennifer and Jade again. They both used to be such a big part of my life. I don't see why I ever decided to toss them to the side for Kristin and Adriane. They're both grand girls, but recently, it's almost as though I am not as near to them as previous dates would seem. I blame this on quitting Track. Curse exercising for all it's worth!
Anyways, as I was saying, Chad text me. There's pretty much nothing that I like more than looking down at my phone and have "Everything" on the screen. The butterflies that occur are phenomenal. Sweet Action, truly, I have found.
I'm still falling- falling isn't the thing that hurts. It's the crash. So, I intend to avoid the whole "ground" part of the scenario. Catch me, you fool, just kiss me.
Life's a climb, but -with you-it's worth the view.
P.S. The word "car" comes from Carriage, interesting.
I don't feel such remorse, though. I like the fact that I've been incorporating myself with Jennifer and Jade again. They both used to be such a big part of my life. I don't see why I ever decided to toss them to the side for Kristin and Adriane. They're both grand girls, but recently, it's almost as though I am not as near to them as previous dates would seem. I blame this on quitting Track. Curse exercising for all it's worth!
Anyways, as I was saying, Chad text me. There's pretty much nothing that I like more than looking down at my phone and have "Everything" on the screen. The butterflies that occur are phenomenal. Sweet Action, truly, I have found.
I'm still falling- falling isn't the thing that hurts. It's the crash. So, I intend to avoid the whole "ground" part of the scenario. Catch me, you fool, just kiss me.
Life's a climb, but -with you-it's worth the view.
P.S. The word "car" comes from Carriage, interesting.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
There is no try, either you do or you do not.
When I get nervous, I shake my leg. When I get really depressed, I shake my leg. When I'm angry and trying to calm down, I shake my leg. When I'm anxious, I shake my leg. When I'm coaxing myself to sleep, I shake my leg. When I'm watching television or reading a book (focusing on what I'm into), I shake my leg. .When I'm with Chad, while I am lying beside him, I don't shake my leg. I'm shaking my leg as I type. It's sort of like a stress reliever. It keeps my mind busy on movement, instead of wandering endlessly into open spaces of over-thinking.
I keep expecting to go to my phone and see "one message from Chad Evans" (his name is labelled "everything" in my cellular device.); I haven't seen that message yet. I asked him why we we're together. I asked him this Sunday. Saturday night, we seemed dandy. As a matter of fact, we seem dandy everyday-with the exception of this afternoon. He doesn't want a girlfriend right now. More than that, he doesn't want to tell anyone he has a girlfriend. He wants the perks, and I want the perks,too. So, after he explained (more or less-I would say less) that he just wanted to act how we had been acting, I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't have mentioned being a couple in the first place. I've been single for a month. Since February the twenty-eighth, which coincidentally is the same date of the month that I gave Chad everything because I imagined a big, happy married life with him...September twenty-eighth. I stop dreaming that happy marriage today,yes; it ends today. I can not lie to myself. I can not tell myself to wait for him. I say that I can't help it that there is no one else. That can't be true. You pick and choose who you love. I love Chad, I know this. He knows this. Somehow, the whole "Oh, it is love, from the first time I set my eyes unto you, thinking, oh, it is love," is not so much of a fact as it is an opinion. At the moment, it seems to just be my opinion. I bluntly exclaimed that all, every inch of satisfaction would come to me if he would just say "I love you." He couldn't, or..he wouldn't. Breathe in, close your eyes. I can't sit here and soak in some drowned pool of tears, I don't want to cry. I won't cry. Yes, he helped me. Yes, he was wonderful. Yes, he is going to be someone ravishing. But so am I. I have to start up my business. I have to stop trying to stop. What is there to stop but only myself. I am the only obstacle blocking my gain. I am the only thing that is slowing down my opportunities. I, and I alone, am the reason that I have not excelled yet. I went to the internet and looked up the date for September twenty-eighth. This strange website came up that had simply this on the page: "What happened on September twenty-eighth?" (and the answer was a short space below it, that read,) "A beautiful girl named Amanda was born." I found this to be sort of ironic. I was born. I realize, apparently, this wasn't describing me because my birthday isn't until December, yet I still kept reading that sentence:"A beautiful girl named Amanda was born." Rise up, oh, ye sleepers, rise up!
Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law.
I keep expecting to go to my phone and see "one message from Chad Evans" (his name is labelled "everything" in my cellular device.); I haven't seen that message yet. I asked him why we we're together. I asked him this Sunday. Saturday night, we seemed dandy. As a matter of fact, we seem dandy everyday-with the exception of this afternoon. He doesn't want a girlfriend right now. More than that, he doesn't want to tell anyone he has a girlfriend. He wants the perks, and I want the perks,too. So, after he explained (more or less-I would say less) that he just wanted to act how we had been acting, I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't have mentioned being a couple in the first place. I've been single for a month. Since February the twenty-eighth, which coincidentally is the same date of the month that I gave Chad everything because I imagined a big, happy married life with him...September twenty-eighth. I stop dreaming that happy marriage today,yes; it ends today. I can not lie to myself. I can not tell myself to wait for him. I say that I can't help it that there is no one else. That can't be true. You pick and choose who you love. I love Chad, I know this. He knows this. Somehow, the whole "Oh, it is love, from the first time I set my eyes unto you, thinking, oh, it is love," is not so much of a fact as it is an opinion. At the moment, it seems to just be my opinion. I bluntly exclaimed that all, every inch of satisfaction would come to me if he would just say "I love you." He couldn't, or..he wouldn't. Breathe in, close your eyes. I can't sit here and soak in some drowned pool of tears, I don't want to cry. I won't cry. Yes, he helped me. Yes, he was wonderful. Yes, he is going to be someone ravishing. But so am I. I have to start up my business. I have to stop trying to stop. What is there to stop but only myself. I am the only obstacle blocking my gain. I am the only thing that is slowing down my opportunities. I, and I alone, am the reason that I have not excelled yet. I went to the internet and looked up the date for September twenty-eighth. This strange website came up that had simply this on the page: "What happened on September twenty-eighth?" (and the answer was a short space below it, that read,) "A beautiful girl named Amanda was born." I found this to be sort of ironic. I was born. I realize, apparently, this wasn't describing me because my birthday isn't until December, yet I still kept reading that sentence:"A beautiful girl named Amanda was born." Rise up, oh, ye sleepers, rise up!
Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Substitute problem with opportunity
You walk through the door, all eyes on you. You feel your hands sweating, your heart is pumping like a man in a gym. You can barely hold anything in your palms. It's almost as if you are becoming weightless. You are the main attraction, your grace is intricate. There is nothing that could distract the crowd from your steps. The air smells of spring-lilies and duckies. You've never been more beautiful, you've never seen such beauty yourself. You look ahead, and no matter the eyes you catch-you are captivated by one destination-your groom. A moment like this, oh how you've waited. Oh, how there is just one thing on your mind, forever-him.
Two days ago, I had full confidence that Chad was who I was going to marry. I knew, for a fact, that he was everything I wanted. I didn't have a doubt that he would be mine again, perhaps not now-but someday. Yesterday, I told him this. I explored my mind. I explained that I wanted to work together-amount things for God in a team-be one, as two. He ventured a different subject and stumbled in the wary words that he would call me that night and tell me his own wants and goals. He didn't. We were both rather sleepy, so I accepted that. This morning came along and I wanted to text an immensely long message explaining that I wanted to love him and he was pushing me away (it seems like people who get scared of love are good at pushing love away). I was once in those shoes, tying those same shoe strings. Chad was the one who laced them up in a different fashion. Chad was the one that convinced me love was real. Why would he spend so many hours trying to woe me, so many days persuading me that he wanted to be betrothed to me, just to leave. "I will never leave you, Amanda-I promise." Those words, they are so simple, so easy to wrap around. So very, very small... to someone else. To me, those words are my security for happiness. Did God only give Chad to me to help me grow? Did God only supply me with Chad so that I could mature? Did Chad only give me God to help me realize my purpose?I know that God knows exactly what I need and exactly where I'm going. I trust him, I'm not worried. I'm just a little scared and not willing. Once I let myself be willing to accept anything-I know that I will be installed with pure joy. I need joy. I thrive on joy.
It's one of those rainy days where you just would be delighted to slumber.
I wonder if it's raining in Heidelberg? I wonder if Chad is exhausted? I wonder if he is having a dandy day? I wonder if he's talking to his friends, or thinking about what I'm thinking about? I wonder if he's praying-reading? I wonder if he is happy?
Sometimes, you just aren't going to know. And so I do not.
Two days ago, I had full confidence that Chad was who I was going to marry. I knew, for a fact, that he was everything I wanted. I didn't have a doubt that he would be mine again, perhaps not now-but someday. Yesterday, I told him this. I explored my mind. I explained that I wanted to work together-amount things for God in a team-be one, as two. He ventured a different subject and stumbled in the wary words that he would call me that night and tell me his own wants and goals. He didn't. We were both rather sleepy, so I accepted that. This morning came along and I wanted to text an immensely long message explaining that I wanted to love him and he was pushing me away (it seems like people who get scared of love are good at pushing love away). I was once in those shoes, tying those same shoe strings. Chad was the one who laced them up in a different fashion. Chad was the one that convinced me love was real. Why would he spend so many hours trying to woe me, so many days persuading me that he wanted to be betrothed to me, just to leave. "I will never leave you, Amanda-I promise." Those words, they are so simple, so easy to wrap around. So very, very small... to someone else. To me, those words are my security for happiness. Did God only give Chad to me to help me grow? Did God only supply me with Chad so that I could mature? Did Chad only give me God to help me realize my purpose?I know that God knows exactly what I need and exactly where I'm going. I trust him, I'm not worried. I'm just a little scared and not willing. Once I let myself be willing to accept anything-I know that I will be installed with pure joy. I need joy. I thrive on joy.
It's one of those rainy days where you just would be delighted to slumber.
I wonder if it's raining in Heidelberg? I wonder if Chad is exhausted? I wonder if he is having a dandy day? I wonder if he's talking to his friends, or thinking about what I'm thinking about? I wonder if he's praying-reading? I wonder if he is happy?
Sometimes, you just aren't going to know. And so I do not.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
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